Two Years Since Dad Passed Away; Do I 'Really' Miss Him?

Today is dad’s birthday — the 95th one to be precise. It has been two years since he passed away. I’m sure dad was important for anyone, and all will miss one, if he is no more. But in my case I would have topics that I could discuss deeply only with him and none else.

While I could talk to him on a wide range of topics such as investments, finance, taxes, family, relations, profession, politics, spirituality, and all, it was one of philosophy that I could discuss only with him and none other at a deeper level. I do not have anyone in my circle whom I could go on at length on these.

The Void That Surprised Me

Since his passing away, I am on a void in this even after two years. I think of it — it is amazing how much we learn from our fathers. Sons, being men as they are, I guess inherit a lot from their fathers. Physically being similar to parents is one thing, but I am amazed how many less-observed aspects too. For example, a strange long strand of hair my father used to have on one of his eyebrows — me and my brother, the younger one, have it too.

The amount of information carried by even a nano-level gene that cannot be seen with a naked eye is remarkable. Of late, I have also even noticed how similar my own handwriting is to my dad. Whatever amount of effort I put to adapt to a different style, I am noticing that fundamentally it is not changing much.

Similarities and Differences

In terms of way of living that is apparent visibly, I do not share too many things with him. Even if I ended up accidentally with similar academics as him, the profession I carried mostly in my career has been different.

Also, I do not think I share many from him in terms of values. We did have different conclusions from similar observations and data. We surely led our lives differently on several matters, and similarly on others. But some core attitudes and analytical thinking have been identical. So I would have him to bounce off my thoughts on anything since analytical thinking was common core attribute among us.

For example, while he was mostly a spiritual man, especially post his retirement, I am mostly a philosophical person and much less spiritually oriented. But this fundamental difference did not affect how I had interacted with him even on philosophy.

Two Decades of Conversations

Ever since me returning to India two decades plus back, I would speak to him at length. I mean really at length — at least once a week. For about half of my time during these two decades, I stayed in the same building as him, and for the other half I would meet him at every weekend.

So now not having him, even as when I have myself retired and have a good amount of time in hand to spend the way I want, not having dad is surely a miss.

What More Could One Ask?

But what could one expect more than what I already had? He lived for as long as 93 years. That is long enough that any son could ask for.

I think I was able to garner core of whatever he could offer to me as wisdom and method of thinking. Now it is for me to pursue the self-awareness journey on my own. Perhaps enough to get some wisdom to share with my own sons, should they seek from me someday.